some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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