I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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