alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
