Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
