I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
