I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
