Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize