i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
