There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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