I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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