I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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