and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
