he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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