I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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