I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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