I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
