she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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