giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
