dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
