I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
