Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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