I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize