no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
