honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
