Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
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