Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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