maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
