I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
