If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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