I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
