yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
