My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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