Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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