# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
