I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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