you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
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