My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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