Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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