You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
my poor anus
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
