seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
