My friends, they love my intelligence
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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