Barsexuality is the new black.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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