Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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