hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
