that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
