I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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