Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize