I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
