So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Your cock deserves a montage
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
