i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
