is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
