mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize