you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
