In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
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