he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
