around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize