Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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