I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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