you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
