i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
