i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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